In May of 2011, I wrote a piece on NecessaryChats called “Well Intentioned, Unnecessary Regardless”, and this essay looked at passive-aggressive relationships, and ourselves. I would like to go back to this topic. This time, I’d like to look at experiences around those friends who are great, have not changed in behaviour for the worse, done any specific wrong thing, and yet we still have a feeling that things need to, or are about to change.
This is not easy to grasp, but there are those out there who have this very real question in their minds. What are we to do with those people that we dearly love, would love to incorporate into our lives, but through a transforming life, are unable to. We are no longer able to say that we can try and find a way to work things out so that they may stay. We no longer have the option of denying fundamental thought or action processes that demand separation.
It is not that we are suddenly of a “higher” calibre than our friends, or that we are “moving on up” and so must leave people behind. It has to do with a simple golden rule, of being vigilant over our hearts, our hearts’ desires, and who we open our mouths to. It really is that simple. The Book of Proverbs chapter 4 verse 23 tells us to “above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it”. These are not words to be taken lightly.
Ladies, I am talking to us. We are the ones who have perfected the art of talking to each other. We talk to each other about everything, and because of this, we take on each others’ lives as well. There is little to no limit to what we are willing to do for each other. We do this because we love each other. How then, does not telling your friend everything feature as a loving act?
It would seem that those we harshly judge, are the ones who keep things to themselves, or speak of themselves sparingly, while mainly doing their own thing. Looking at different women in various stages in my life, I must admit there is something to be said about keeping key things to oneself.
The women I speak of are greatly judged. Their actions do not make sense because in fact, these women do not publicly speak of their plans, hopes, desires and especially fears. They simply do, and in so doing, things happen. In looking at these women, I must admit that I admire their final results in the different things that they are doing.
I am able to look at them and see what route they took with their friendships, and it definitely would be the one that caused a person like me, to talk about them, and not in a positive way. I was self-indulgent in thinking about how I wanted to be a part of the woman’s success, pain, joy etc, and wondered about the level and value of our friendships, based on what was or not divulged to me.
Seriously? How immature does that sound? We may call it caring, but let us fully consider our personal motives, and then say again that our wanting to be involved, has caring at the heart, and therefore body of it. This is where getting this may be tricky. Understand that we may have good intentions, and have the best meanings behind our actions, but we are foolish to ignore our innate human nature.
I may be happy that my friend is pursuing a relationship, but depending on how I generally view relationships, may inadvertently give her information that may be completely untrue for her. In our ongoing extremely close relationship, my views and opinions on her relationship will filter through. She will use this information, known or unknown to her, to make key decisions in her relationship.
In that sense, regardless of my intention, the truth remains that in that instance, I was not a friend. To take offence to this statement for the ego’s sake is what we as women unfortunately do with and to each other. There is a practical way to approach this. I propose an honest evaluation of what we keep around us.
It is as simple as physically taking your eyes off the screen and looking around you right now. What is around you? Do you like what you see? What would you change? Are you willing to? If you are, you must be willing then to let go of familiar concepts around relationships. This time around, you are carving out your path your way.
You are also submitting to brutal yet well-intended judgment that will surely be sent your way. Either people will get you, or they won’t. Accept that, and move on with your life. Remember too, that you have your own flaws. All we all need is a little understanding. Let us be the first to provide it if and when we can.
We all know the nature of friends. They are the people and things that keep us feeling safe, normal, loved and wanted when we need or want it. This is true. God gives us friends. Ask yourself however, what the fruits of your friendships are, and whether anything you do, see or think is for, or against you.
Are the things and people around us good for us? We should know by the amount of peace we have in our hearts. What do we mainly think, say and do with each other? It is good to try and minimize as many things that offer us unnecessary resistance as much as possible. Life is already hard and strange without all the unnecessary stress.
This means learning the ability to surrender control of outcomes, lengths, reasons and states, and this includes friendships we may have formed all our lives. In my experience, we always somehow re-unite. It is also always beautiful when it happens, and it feels good to know that the other is doing well, and loving every minute of life.