Of Human Wills And Prayers To God

We all know these stories. Wanting something so bad that it is all we eat, dream, taste or think. Sometimes it gets to the point where we feel that without it we may not survive.

In all this, while we are praying and waiting, God is silent. Or is He?

I recently had a marvellous experience with God’s gifts. It is something that I have wanted for a very long time, and ceaselessly prayed about. Even when I “gave up” on praying for what I wanted, I found myself speaking or beseeching God once a day for the thing! I then resorted to making vows to Him, in honour of my expected answer. 

I believe I also tried to tell Him that it was okay if what I wanted was not meant for me, I believe He knows what’s best for me. Throughout all this though, my very human double nature kept asking whether He would still consider giving it to me, and if not, take the desire away from me if it did not come from Him. Well, this desire just knew no ends or boundaries, for it continued to plague me so.
I went through several interesting times trying to discover His will in this direction. I looked for and read a lot of signs. I asked for and gave a lot of conditions. I recanted, repented and reneged on all my decisions on the topic, and then I started to give up. All these conversations taking place with my God, and me trying to still my soul to listen to His voice, for He does not shout, rage, compromise, recant or recoil as I do. 

In all this, He listened and I could feel His smile and extra hug (that I tried to reject as a way to “punish” my Lord… only to run back for them because I was now cold) saying, “hush babe, I’ve got you”. I refused to hear this, for where was He getting me? I was still plagued by unanswered prayers, requests and now mounting resentful feelings on the issue.
Why did you make me this way, with an iron will that only you can break? Why do I have such a stubborn heart Lord? Why am I unwilling to let this go? What is the lesson here for me? Why do I not know how to give up? Why do I look like such a fool publicly insisting on your Promises, when I don’t even know what is personally promised to ME! 

On and on with my Saviour we battled. Six very long years. I grew up overnight in the last three, when I sensed God coming into play in my wishes, actions and what looked like the fulfillment of my dream. Where! It was to end disastrously, full of pain and no glory. 

By the time all was done, what I thought was a far-fetched dream only attainable through Christ, now seemed like a song I used to play a long time ago, neatly packed away, never to be discussed again. My dream moved even more light years away. 

It was to be a major educational tool in my life. It was to add onto the glue that binds me to Christ. It was one of those roller-coaster rides that you come out of, look up at its highest and lowest points, and realize that only God kept you in your seat. He kept me alright…but what of my dream, now moved onto a different galaxy?
Six years later, my very stubborn spirit rescinded control. Six years later, I let go of my dream and all I could do at that point…was celebrate! Yessir. I was the happiest girl in the world that day. I did what King David did when he found out that his illegitimate child had died (2 Samuel 11 – 12). 

Toward this point, I must admit I was not afraid of the battle between my will and the Lord’s. It is at this time that I learned that  this is how I give up my will. There must be a struggle. God will win, but there must be a struggle, and it is only as long and as hard as make it. 

Had I been less stubborn, more inclined to accept NO as an answer, less stationed at my conviction and more on the Cross, less a whole lot… this process may have ended a whole lot sooner. Maybe not. All that was learned during this time, viewed in hindsight, is necessary and not lost to me, because nothing is lost to God. He uses EVERYTHING in your life for His end. Well He took this thorn on my side and used it to train me on flowering prosperous gardens.
The incredible thing for me throughout this process, was my inability to lose hope, to become bitter and critical and lash out. None of the above took place. Throughout, not a soul was aware of how much this thorn on my side really hurt me. This is not because I do not have people in my life, rather, more a reflection on my preferences. 

Writing on my experiences and conversations with God is not easy for me to do because it exposes me (doesn’t matter how, just that it does!). This however, is one of my gifts and with it comes all the tools of the trade. Back to our topic,  God and not anyone else tended to my wounds. 

He was my “once a day” pill, the one I cried to every half hour or four hours or once a day as needed. He was the only one I could run to for only He knew how I really felt during those years. In looking back, I see how He very much was there, an active part of the process, a Refiner alright.  
My coming out of the hellhole alive and kicking did nothing for my greatest fear that I would not see my dream materialize. Ironically, when I finally (finally, finally) gave it up I realized the technique He was using on me. He let me go through my worst fear with this thing that I wanted so bad, used it to cultivate, trim and prep me, and when it was all done…He then gave me the gift He had meant for me. By the time I was getting exactly what I wanted as He deemed fit, I was ready for it.
All I can say is that when I think of what I wanted and what I have now, I mentally try and find a hole to bury myself in. I am that ashamed, and I am so grateful God is not man to play me and give me my original request again, because it will shame me further to say, “no thanks”. 

Oh Lord, what sweetness I would have missed had I had my way. Thank you Jesus that you are not man to be moved or persuaded by his idle threats, complaints and criticisms. My sweet Mother Mary, thank you for looking out for me and keeping me sane. Angels and Saints, thank you for your ceaseless prayers, and my Father in Heaven… thank you, thank you, thank you. What you have given me is greater than anything I had imagined for myself, and the greatest joy is that you still gave this to me, when you had every right to banish your insolent child away.
God is faithful. I tried to navigate my own path for six years with this one thing, and yet in all my decisions, He still worked with me. When He gave me my gift and I realized that it too had to go through its own refinement to meet me where I was, well, any time I think of this now… God is faithful. It may have taken forever in my mind, but to the Author of Time, it was right on time, and for that, I say that only a God who knows everything could have done this for me.
Now let’s not get it twisted. Good things come with work. It can’t be too good to be true because that is not God’s nature. God is good and true. He is also a lot of work. His first commandment is to love Him with everything. See if you can try that on for size without Him. This gift has a lot of work behind it. Thing is … He built me for it! 

Whatever happens after this day is not of consequence to me. I guess my greatest lesson these last six years has been that there is only one God of Outcome. Enjoy and learn from the experience, placing little to no weight to the end results, for those are never in your control.
Do what you can today with what you have and leave the rest to your Father as Nature does… or spend an unnecessary and endless amount of emotion, energy and time, bargaining human values with an Almighty God for what only He can give. If it is not for you to take or request or demand… then you will identify with my story and can know what to do from here.  
Not that this adds or takes away from the story… but when my will over this issue finally (finally, finally, finally! Hallelujah!) gave itself up to my Lord, no more than a few days passed when I got my present.
Of Human Wills And Prayers To God

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