Un/Belief

I am tired. I feel it in my bones. My nerves are raw and my heart bleeding.

I am exhausted. I hear it in my sigh. My brain is mash, and my mind auto-pilot.

I am terrified. I know it in my soul. My will is draining, and my spirit crying.

I am alone. I see nobody. My eyes are strained, and my ears ringing.

I am tired of the voices in my head. They keep battling to see who is best.
The one who motivates me to keep walking, or the one who is dying to go to bed.
I am weary of my troubles and my success. They are joined at the hip, inseparable twins.

The ones I face head on, and the results of the head on …
The minor collisions, the major wrecks.
The little granted wishes, the big given grace.
Invisible medals, heart drenched accolades, serrated mental assaults, immovable faith.
I am weighed down by my load. The ones I own and the ones I carried forward and across.

Old loads that need not travel, new loads that have no place. All intertwined, in the same laundry basket, so that one does not know what is new and what is old, what should go, and what is gold.

Hard loads that need broader shoulders. Shoulders that need to let go. Let go so I can move on.
Uphill climb has turned into a vertical line. I am walking in air, surrounded by clouds.

Even though I was born to walk the line…
My deadening senses leave me always falling down.
It gets harder to get up each time, yet this I can, this I know how.
It is the cycle of my life, the falls and the climbs, the peaks and the clouds. It is what makes me who I am. I am that mountain goat, always steady on the climb. I am that sheep, whose Shepherd will never leave behind.

I am strength as far as an ant goes, and I am pride as far as the moon controls the currents. I am greedy as far as the farthest ocean, and I am selfless as far as a fly roams. I am and not, could be and not, can see and not, believe and…

Not

Today. Not today that I believe, and not today that I will not believe. Not a day that I won’t pray, that my faith will never go away.

Not that I can save or keep it, but that I can erase and deplete it. Not that I can refresh and sustain it, but that I can refrain and squander it.

Not that I do not know my peak is coming, but that I do not stop climbing.
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Un/Belief

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